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Passover Jokes

After the tenth plague, the slaying of all the Egyptian first born,
Pharaoh told Moses the Jews were free to leave Egypt. So the Jews packed
their carts with their belongings and tried to leave. The problem was,
with all the dead Egyptians, the funeral homes could not handle the
demand. The end result was streets littered with coffins. With the
streets impassable, the Jews couldn't get there carts out of their
driveways. They complained to Moses. "We can't get out of Egypt unless you
do something about these blocked streets". Moses in turn, called out to
G-d. "Lord, please do something about this coffin problem." Understand
with all the commotion it was hard for G-d to hear what Moses was saying.
He thought Moses said 'Coughin" and responded by turning all the wine into
cough syrup. And that is why, to this day, we drink Passover wine that
resembles cough syrup.

Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.

Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.

By: Pierre Abbat

It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses.  It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"

G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

G-d: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G-d: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!!

Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside...

G-d: Moses, do whatever you want....

This is a little known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."

So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-d, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.  They asked, "How much?"  G-d said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:
 
"You, Moses, heed me !  I have good news, and bad news."

Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage.  If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If  Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."

Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic.  I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?"

"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

The winter of 1994 was tough on many of Europe's root crops. A week before Passover the Jewish Community of Madrid found that the shipment of horseradish it had ordered from Bolivia would now not arrive until ten days after the Passover ended.

The community needed the horseradish for its traditional paschal ritual of Marror, but whomever they tried approaching from among the EU suppliers, they received the same reply "Sorry! No can do." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv - who happened to be the second cousin of the Mashgiach for Agrexco - and begged him to organize the despatch of a crate of Israeli horseradish roots, by air-freight to Madrid.

It took the friend two days to organize, and two days before Passover, a crate of grade A tear-jerking Israeli horseradish roots was proudly loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the El-Al flight 789 to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.

Unfortunately when the Rabbi came to Madrid Airport in order to take the crate out of Customs, he was informed that an unforseen wildcat strike had just broken out among the members of the airport's Transport and General Workers Union, and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.

So you see, "the chraine in Spain stayed mainly on the plane!"

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her.  It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her  brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the  day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but  promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."  Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down next year?"

What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

   a.He was being tested.
   b.He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
   c.He refused to ask directions.

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how G-d brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwealming evidence of G-d's intensions, Pharoah refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Pharoah, in the face of such
overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews ater the first nine plagues. It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the reknowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious.....The Pharoah was still in de Nile.

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?" 

The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up.  Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea.  When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge.  Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked.  "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No.  But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"

As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.

Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.

Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.

His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again.

Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray...to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.

After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."

Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And...it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."

"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"

"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzoh broken on the perforation.

Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Passover

10. Save money by using last year’s Matza (it won’t taste any
      different and you haven’t thought of eating it since then)

9. Elbows on the table

8. Maror – it’s a better medicine for sinuses than any prescription.

7. Four cups of wine (and if Elijah doesn’t show this year, there’s a 5th!!)

6. The extra cash from selling your Chometz comes in handy after Spring Break.

5. The required cleaning of the refrigerator gives you a reason to
    throw out that old milk container.

4. You actually eat the parsley.

3. Reasons to use your wooden spoon, candle, and feather
   collection that you can actually tell you mother about.

2. Think of all the toilet paper you save by eating Matzah for a week.

1. To remember that Charlton Heston (and his wife, Lilly Munster)
    led you out of Egypt.

If you want to avoid an unwelcome Passover invitation, you can say you can't go because I/my wife has a yeast infection.

Viagra is banned during Pesach, along with all other agents causing things to rise.

Submitted by: L. M. Kimmelman

Why do we say Yizkor on the last day of Passover? What's the connection?
On Passover, we remember the Exodus. After Yizkor, in most shuls, there is also a mass Exodus!

How did Passover get its name?
Since the Seder table is usually made larger, people can't reach for the items on the table and invariably ask others: "Could you please Pass Over the matza, etc."!

How is a good sermon like a piece of matza?
They both should take less than 18 minutes!

Written by Rabbi Mordechai Bulua

BITTER HERB
by David Schilling 2001

There once was a man named Herb who had slaved away at his job for
many years.  He never expected them to pass over him for promotion, but
they did, and so he was bitter about that.  Bitter Herb is what they
called him.  Although he was the kind of guy who mows his lawn each
weekend, it seemed that he was even bitter about that too.  He lived
most of his life on the edge of denial.


He would often whine about the problems that plagued him.  He
always seemed to have a bone to pick about this or that.  Things were
made worse by a co-worker who egged him on, a guy that Herb once called
a "dip" twice.  You might just say that Herb wasn't upright. 

One day, Bitter Herb returned from the boss's office all hoarse and reddish.
"I'm fired! They're gonna let my people go! " he exclaimed.  "Why? Why
why why?"   He opened his wallet and looked inside.  "No bread!" he
cried.  "He tricked me out of a job!" 

That night, as he cleared out his desk, he knew that this night was different
from all other nights.  He looked at some old pictures by his children of Israel. 
Just then, he spilled water across his desk, when luckily, before anything got wet,
the water parted.

After leaving and then wandering around for a while, Herb moved to
Florida where he was promised land.  Herb is now happy when he and his
wife go out to the local restaurant and order the specials and one is
completely free.

 


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