Moses, Hebrew orator and firebrand

Egyptian Slave Taskmaster

Bill, San Dimas teenager

Ted, San Dimas teenager

Socrates, Greek philosopher

Principal of San Dimas High School

Abraham Lincoln, former president

Rufus, advisor to Bill and Ted

Bedouin Bandit

Zipporah, Midianite girl

Sister of Zipporah

Jethro, father of Zipporah

God

Herald in Pharaoh’s Court

His Majesty Pharaoh Rameses II, king of Egypt

Hebrew Slave Girl

Frightened Egyptian Commoner

Counselor #1, Member of Pharaoh’s Cabinet

Counselor #2, Member of Pharaoh’s Cabinet

His Highness Kha, Pharaoh’s firstborn son, first in line to the throne

Commander, Infantry Corps II, Egyptian Army

His Highness Merenptah, son of Pharaoh, second in line to the throne

Member of His Majesty’s Royal Guard

Egyptian Priest

Hoshea,(Joshua) the son of Nun, Hebrew leader

Tourist Dad #1

Tourist Kid #1

Tourist Mom #1

Tourist Kid #2

Tourist Dad #2

(Moses and Aaron are preaching to the enslaved Hebrews)

MOSES: Hear me, my people! We’ve been enslaved for too long! I have lived in the Pharaoh’s court, and he is not planning on letting you go! What are you going to do about it?

TASKMASTER: Stop preaching sedition or I’m going to run you through!

MOSES, turning to the crowd: See? He’s going to attack me! You don’t want my death to be in vain, do you?

(High above, you see some flashes of lightning and hear some thunder. Meanwhile, the slaves look at him like he’s crazy)

TASKMASTER: See? They know what’s best for them. Now get back to work.

MOSES, turning to Aaron next to him: You’ll support me, Aaron. Won’t you?

(Aaron looks at the taskmaster warily. Moses sidles over to Aaron and grabs his hand.)

MOSES, expansively: You need not worry about the taskmaster, my brother. God is on our side.

MOSES, turning to the crowd: Would you like to see visible proof that God is supporting us? I can guarantee it! I call upon God to give us a sign from above!

(Still holding Aaron’s hand, Moses reaches his free hand up to the sky – and Bill and Ted’s time-traveling phone booth falls out of thin air right on top of the two of them, killing them instantly. The taskmaster bolts, and the slaves start screaming. The door to the phone booth opens, and Bill and Ted emerge.)

BILL: Hello, Egyptian dudes! I’m Bill, and this is Ted! We’re Wyld Stallyns!

(They do their guitar riff, and the slaves put their hands over their ears and fear for their lives)

TED: We’re looking for King Tut. You see, we’ve got this totally serious history report and we need to get famous historical figures! We’ve already got Socrates (pronounced "So-crates") –

SOCRATES, indignantly: inside the phone booth: Socrates (the real pronunciation)!

TED: – Billy the Kid, Abraham Lincoln, and now we’ve come for King Tut! Is he here?

(The slaves, realizing that the newcomers are addressing them, quiet down and say something in Egyptian. Clearly, the divine beings must know Egyptian. They wait expectantly for an answer)

TED, turning to Bill: Dude, I don’t think they’re listening to us.

(Another of the slaves speaks up)

TED: What did he say?

BILL, nervously: Uh, Ted, I think that was Egyptian. He thinks we know Egyptian!

TED, confidently: No problem, dude! We may not know Egyptian, but we can communicate with them another way. Check it out!

(He starts doing the moves from the Walk like an Egyptian video)

BILL: Excellent!

(The slaves start looking at them like they’re off the wall. Meanwhile, the taskmaster runs back onstage with reinforcements for the slave rebellion)

BILL, grabbing Ted and ducking back inside the phone booth: Uh oh, bad guys! Come on, Ted!

TED, getting back in the booth: Sorry, dudes! Gotta go! There’s a guy with a sword who looks really pissed. Loosen up, soldier dude! Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!

(The phone booth disappears, and the slaves start bowing and praying like mad)

PRINCIPAL: Once again, thank you again for your work on your history reports. However, I only have one award here. I had never expected to say this, but I believe we can all agree that the award for the best presentation goes to Bill and Ted.

BILL AND TED: EXCELLENT!

PRINCIPAL: I will see all of you next year at the school science fair. Class dismissed! And don’t forget to pay your respects to the statue of Thutmose XXVII outside the door!

TED, to himself: Thutmose? What the hell is a Thutmose?

(The principal leaves. Bill starts smooching with Joan of Arc, and Freud starts watching intently. The student body roars and everyone starts stomping their feet)

LINCOLN: I believe I can handle crowd control – good Lord!

(A phone booth falls out of the sky and lands on the stage. Rufus emerges with a troubled look on his face, but the crowd goes wild)

BILL AND TED: RUFUS!

BILL, to the crowd: This guy is REALLY cool. He’s from the future, where everybody parties on!

(All the students start talking at once)

RUFUS: Gentlemen, I’d like to talk to you for a second. I’ve got some good news –

BILL AND TED: EXCELLENT!

RUFUS: – and bad news.

BILL AND TED: BOGUS!

(Rufus, Bill, and Ted head off to one corner of the stage as the historical figures start milling around, very confused. To make matters worse, a second phone booth falls from the sky – and another copy of Bill and Ted emerges, followed by a short Middle Eastern-looking teenager. The crowd goes bonkers. The new Bill and Ted start waving at Bill and Ted)

NEW BILL AND NEW TED: Hey, Other Bill and Other Ted!

(Bill and Ted turn to face the newcomers)

BILL AND TED: Whoa! It’s us again!

NEW BILL AND NEW TED: What number are we thinking of?

BOTH BILLS AND BOTH TEDS, simultaneously: 69, dude!

(The crowd roars. Joan of Arc gets a bit nervous. Freud gets excited. The new Bill and new Ted whisper stuff to each other)

NEW BILL, to New Ted: Totally awesome idea, dude!

NEW BILL AND NEW TED, pointing to the Middle Eastern teenager: Ladies and gentlemen, for our last historical figure, allow us to introduce...King Tut!

(The teenager looks at Bill and Ted, confused, clearly not understanding the language. However, he eventually figures out that he’s being introduced and starts waving. The crowd cheers, and half the people start doing the Walk like an Egyptian moves. The teenager then walks over to Socrates and asks him something in the incomprehensible language. Socrates has no idea what he’s saying and stares at him blankly. After a pause...)

SOCRATES, pointing at himself: Socrates (pronounced correctly).

(Socrates scratches his head as the teenager walks back to the other Bill and Ted. The three newcomers head over to the other side of the stage and start chatting)

BILL AND TED: Excellent! It sounds like we managed to pick up King Tut after all! Awesome! All right, Rufus, so what’s up?

RUFUS: First, the good news. You’ve done it. You’ve saved the future. You guys go on to be extremely successful, and our way of life has been preserved!

BILL: Do we ever tour with AC/DC and Iron Maiden?

RUFUS: No, but you’re inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as legends in your time!

TED: Awesome!

(New Bill and New Ted look at each other and start laughing on the other side of the stage.)

RUFUS: However, there is some bad news. Remember that comment about Thutmose XXVII?

BILL: Yeah. Who or what is a Thutmose?

RUFUS: He’s the Pharaoh, the Divine Leader of the Egyptian Empire. He’s been ruling 80% of the world since he succeeded his father, Seti XIX, in 1982. Because your actions, the territory you knew as the United States is now part of North American Protectorate of His Majesty’s Empire.

BILL AND TED: Whaaaat?

TED: Dude, all I thought the Egyptians were good for were cool dance moves and pyramid building.

RUFUS: Not anymore.

BILL, skeptical: Wait a minute – is this because we haven’t found King Tut yet? All we got when we went back to ancient Egypt were a bunch of peasant dudes talking Egyptian to us and a guy running at us with a sword. Besides, judging from that movie with that guy from the National Rifle Association, all the Egyptians got hit with a bunch of plagues and got wiped off the map, so I have no idea why I’m even worrying about it.

RUFUS: They should have, but it didn’t happen.

BILL: What happened?

RUFUS: When you went back in time to pick up King Tut, your phone booth landed on Moses and Aaron. You squished the two men who would eventually lead the Israelites out of Egypt and start the downfall of the Egyptian empire.

BILL AND TED: Oops.

RUFUS: You’re going to have to go back and undo what you’ve done. You’re going to have to lead the Israelites out of bondage.

TED, glancing at Joan of Arc: Bondage? If it’s with Socrates, I’ll lead him out of bondage. If it’s with Joan of Arc, I’ll lead her into bondage.

BILL: Shut up, Ted.

TED: Hey, does this Moses dude have a sister? How about –

BILL: Shut up, Ted!

RUFUS: This is serious, Ted. His Majesty’s agents keep track of virtually everyone in the North American Protectorate. People who offend him tend to disappear in the middle of the night and no one knows what happens to them.

TED, fantasizing: If they’re in bondage, I can see why.

BILL AND RUFUS: SHUT UP, TED!

RUFUS: If you don’t go back, the Isis Sisters, a band of Egyptian priestesses, will become extremely popular. Because of them, you’ll only have five #1 hits instead of eleven.

BILL: Now THAT is NOT COOL! There is no way that my sister can become a priest, a rabbi, or a minister and keep her ability to make music!

TED: Yeah, Bill. Sisters can be real jerks. I wanted to see Return of the Jedi and Ghostbusters, but my sister whined and dragged my whole family off to see stuff like Bambi and The Secret of Nimh. However, Twisted Sister is cool.

BILL: Twisted Sister is awesome, dude! At any rate, we are not going to let Bambi fanatics ruin our lives. We’re not gonna take it!

TED: No, we ain’t gonna take it!

BILL AND TED: We’re not gonna take it...anymooooore...

RUFUS, interrupting their concert and bringing out some electronic gizmo: Good decision, gentlemen. I’ll take your original phone booth and send all of the historical figures home. You left it at your parents’ house, right? You take this one back in time to Egypt. This device here will teach you Egyptian so you will be able to communicate with the Egyptians and the slaves. The Pharaoh you will be interacting with is Rameses II –

TED, cheerfully: Well, at least he’s a condominium!

RUFUS, ignoring Ted: – one of the greatest Pharaohs Egypt ever had. He lived until he was 91. Whatever you do, don’t kill him. We’ll need him later on. He will eventually sire or adopt 50 children. His firstborn son disappeared under mysterious circumstances and was presumed killed during the Tenth Plague.

TED, to himself: He had 50 kids? Some condominium...

RUFUS: He’s an intelligent man, and he wants to do what’s best for the gods and his people. Hopefully, you’ll be able to convince him to let the Israelites go.

(Rufus waves his electronic device at them)

RUFUS: Good luck, gentlemen. Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!

(A bandit is threatening Jethro’s daughters as lightning announces that a phone booth is about to arrive)

BANDIT, leering at them: All right, girls. I’m taking over this well. And once I’ve had my fill of water, I’ll have my fill of you!

ZIPPORAH: No, you won’t.

ANOTHER DAUGHTER: Zipporah, don’t! You’re going to get us into trouble!

ZIPPORAH, bravely: Sir, this is our well. Leave now, or I will call upon the god of the Hebrews to punish you.

BANDIT, laughing: Oooh! The god of the Hebrews! What’s going to happen, something’s going to come down out of heaven and strike me down?

(The phone booth lands on him. Most of the girls back off in fear, but Zipporah stands her ground)

TED, coming out of the phone booth and looking around: Bill, where are we? This doesn’t look like Egypt. Did you hit the wrong number again?

BILL: Ted, you numbskull, I – whoa!

(He notices the girls)

BILL, grinning madly: Hello, ladies! All me to introduce myself. I’m...Sir Bill. This here is my annoying sidekick, Lord Ted!

TED: Annoying? Dude, I am SO peeved! I – hey, what do we have here? Whoa!

(He notices the girls)

ZIPPORAH: Merciful God! You have sent a messenger andsaved us! Sir Bill, are you an angel?

BILL, grinning: If there’s an angel here, it’s YOU, babe! You are now MY girl. What do you say?

TED, sulking: I don’t like it already.

ZIPPORAH, giddy: You probably are an angel! I can be married to a heavenly being! Thank God – oh, I’m sorry, sir! I forgot one of my father’s teachings: don’t use God’s name in vain.

TED, laughing, to Bill: Don’t use God’s name in vain? Dude, that’s like in the Ten Commandments! Remember? The movie with the guy who keeps on vouching for the NRA?

BILL: It’s all right, babe. At any rate, I was wondering if you girls could help us with something.

ZIPPORAH, excited: I’ll do anything for you!

BILL AND TED: ANYTHING?

(Bill and Ted stare at each other, and then at all the girls around them).

BILL AND TED: EXCELLENT!

(They do their guitar riff again, and all the girls but Zipporah scream and start shaking like crazy. Ted hears the scream)

TED: Hey, dude, they’re fans of our music!

BILL AND TED: AWESOME!

(Jethro runs in)

BILL AND TED, waving: Hello, sheik dude!

JETHRO: My name is Jethro, you rogues, and don’t you forget it!

TED: Jethro? Like Jethro Tull? Even more awesome!

JETHRO ignoring him, to Zipporah: What in heaven’s name was that awful noise? Zipporah, who are these people? And what is in that box over there?

(He points at the phone booth)

ZIPPORAH, ogling Bill: Father, these are Sir Bill and Lord Ted. I saw them arrive from heaven in that box! They slew an evil bandit who was trying to steal our water.

JETHRO, elated: You came from heaven? Perhaps you’re destined to free the Israelites from bondage! Our prayers may have been answered!

TED, to himself: I’ll free them so I can be put in bondage myself...

JETHRO: First things first. Are you in fact angels?

(Bill hesitates)

TED, quoting Ghostbusters: "If someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes!"

BILL, grinning: You can say that, sheik dude!

ZIPPORAH: Sir Bill has also told me he wants to do things which require us to get married! He’s offered to marry me!

BILL, to Ted: Get married? So I can’t fool around with anyone else? Oh, crap. Ted, I forgot that they don’t like it if people fool around until they’re married in this era...

TED, helpfully: But think about life AFTER the wedding! Bill, how come you get so lucky?

JETHRO: An angel? Marrying my daughter! I’m honored! I’ve got to get ready!

BILL, smiling: Hey, you’re, like, the one with the angel...

(Jethro starts doing some celebratory Midianite dance)

BILL: No, dude. That is not dancing. This is.

(Bill starts doing some breakdancing, moonwalking, and stuff like that. The girls get all excited. Jethro tries to do it and falls flat on his face)

BILL, to Ted: Ow...man, does this guy need practice...

TED, to Jethro: Uh, dude? What about me? You’ve got all these other girls here, and since our mission involves bondage...

BILL: Shut up, Ted!

JETHRO, deliberately ignoring Ted: Sir Bill, I had no idea that God let angels marry humans. You should probably talk to him first. See that flame over there? That’s where he’s been staying of late.

(Jethro points at the Burning Bush)

TED, alarmed: A burning bush? Bogus! Hey, Bill – where’s the nearest fire extinguisher?

JETHRO: You need not worry about putting out the fire, Lord Ted. Look at the bush. It isn’t getting consumed.

(He points to the Burning Bush. Bill and Ted look at it in awe)

BILL AND TED: Whoa! That’s, like, biblical!

JETHRO: Go talk to God and make sure it’s OK that you can marry my daughter. If so, all the best to both of you!

BILL, to Ted: Talk to God? Excellent! I hope he remembers us from that time when we played Battleships with Death!

(Bill and Ted approach the Burning Bush)

GOD: Welcome, gentlemen. Take off your shoes, for you are standing on holy ground!

(They take their shoes off, revealing sweaty socks)

GOD, groaning: Ick...the smell...all right, you can put your shoes back on.

BILL AND TED, putting their shoes on: How’s it going, God?

GOD: Oh great...it’s YOU TWO!

BILL: I’m Bill. And he’s Ted! Remember us? We beat Death at Battleships and tried to hang out with Beelzebub for a while?

GOD, pissed: Don’t remind me...

BILL, helpfully: We’re Wyld Stallyns!

(They do the guitar riff)

GOD, to himself: Where did I put that Smite button?

BILL: At any rate, we’re here for two things. First, this sheik dude’s got a whole bunch of babes who we’re supposed to get into bondage, and we’ve got a whole bunch of Israelites who we’re supposed to get out of bondage. Some help would be appreciated!

GOD, skeptical: YOU’RE going to lead the Israelites out of Egypt? Granted, I can make miracles, but this probably completely violates the laws of physics that I’ve set up for this world...

BILL, shrugging: Sorry, dude. I’ll let you win at Twister, though.

GOD: Never mind that...if you’re the only people I have, then that’s what I’ll have to use.

TED, gloating: We met this sheik who’s got a whole gaggle of absolutely GORGEOUS daughters. Give us a few minutes and we can help you make some more people!

GOD: Uh...no. Here’s what we’ll do. You’re going to have to go to Pharaoh and tell him that if he doesn’t let the Israelites go, Egypt will be in big trouble.

TED, laughing: Dude, you must have seen the movie too!

GOD: Movie? What movie?

BILL: The one with the NRA guy who is always asking the guy in the funny costume to let the people go.

GOD, resigned: The Ten Commandments?

BILL: Yeah, that’s it! What did you think? The Nefretiri chick was so bodacious, and I could have taught the guy with the whip to –

GOD: Boys, I wrote the Ten Commandments.

(Bill and Ted look at each other)

BILL AND TED: WHOA!

BILL, excited: Can we change some things? You see, the plague of cattle pestilence was really boring. How about Martians? Mutants? Chicks with boyfriends? Classical musicians?

TED, shuddering: Classical musicians? Bill, that’s awful.

BILL: Darth Vader. How about Darth Vader?

BILL, in Vader’s voice: "Let my people go, or I will have the Death Star attack your palace!"

GOD: I give up. Have it your way.

BILL AND TED: EXCELLENT!

GOD: You’ve got to get the Israelites out of Egypt. If you do, you can do whatever you want with Jethro’s daughters.

BILL AND TED: MOST excellent!

GOD: I’ll talk to Jethro. Meanwhile, you’d better head off to Egypt. May the Force be with you.

BILL AND TED: WHOA! You really can send Darth Vader over, can’t you?

GOD, exasperated: Where do you think the Force came from?

(Rameses the Great is seated on his throne. Two magicians are at his side. Bill and Ted follow a herald into the room, gawking at all the decor)

BILL: Whoa. Most gnarly, dude.

TED, pointing: Check out that symbol on the wall! I saw it on a tourist vacation guide!

HERALD: Your Majesty, allow me to introduce Sir Bill and Lord Ted. They seem to be ambassadors from the land of the Wyld Stallyns.

(Bill and Ted bow awkwardly. The herald groans)

PHARAOH: Rise, gentlemen.

TED, in Charlton Heston’s voice: Let my people go!

PHARAOH, confused: Huh?

BILL, aside: Shut up, Ted!

BILL, smiling, to Pharaoh: Sir, before we begin, I just want to tell you that I like your pyramid more than anything else in the world. It kicks the crap out of the Nile, Stonehenge, and the Waterloo water slide. You see, we lost Napoleon –

PHARAOH, cutting in: Thank you. My slaves have been working on it for many years now. Those Hebrews tend to be very good workers.

BILL: Uh oh...

PHARAOH: What’s wrong?

BILL: Uh, sir, we’ve been ordered by Rufus to ask for the emancipation of the Hebrew slaves.

PHARAOH, angry: I don’t take order from humans, people. I’m the king. I only take orders from the gods. I doubt the gods will ever talk to you.

BILL, helpfully: Uh, God talks to us too. He thought our socks smelled bad.

PHARAOH: Right...now WHO is this Rufus I’m supposed to listening to?

TED, excited: Rufus? He’s REALLY cool. You should meet him sometime. He’s mostly bald, likes sunglasses and futuristic clothing, and has this cool little phone booth which allows us to travel through time!

PHARAOH: This Rufus claims to be able to travel through time?

BILL: You got it!

PHARAOH, in disgust: Another charlatan. No way. I’ll match your lord’s powers against mine anytime. All right, magician! Do your stuff!

(One of the magicians throws a stick to the ground and it turns into a snake)

BILL AND TED: WHOA! Can you do that again?

(The other magician performs the same trick)

TED: That’s cool! Dude, next time my father threatens to send me to military school, I’ll drop a snake on him!

PHARAOH, smugly: Well? Can you better that?

BILL: Sir, we can’t turn sticks into snakes. However, we can make music. For we are Wyld Stallyns!

(They do their guitar riff. The humans put their hands over their ears, but the snakes collapse and die from the noise. Ted notices the dead snakes and puts his hands to his head)

TED: Uh oh. Bill, I think we just killed his snakes.

(Bill gulps)

BILL, wincing: Sorry about your snakes, dude! I didn’t know snakes didn’t like our music. But hey, this is Egypt. Judging from those little pictures on the walls, there should be snakes all of the place. You can just buy some more. Check out the Well of Souls. You see, one of our nobles, somebody named Duke Indiana Jones, had to go there –

PHARAOH: I’m not letting the Hebrews go, and that’s that. You can threaten me as much as you want, but I’m not giving in. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a performance to watch.

BILL AND TED: Hey, dude, we can make really good music! In fact –

(The magicians cover their ears again)

PHARAOH: No. Absolutely, not.

(The magicians breathe a sigh of relief at this)

BILL AND TED: Bogus.

(A bunch of scantily clad Egyptian dancers run into the room and start pirouetting or whatever they do in Egyptian culture.)

BILL, dreamily: I’m in love, man!

TED: Again? Does that mean I can pick up the chick you just ditched?

(Bill and Ted walk onstage as the slaves are working)

BILL: Well, we couldn’t get the Pharaoh to agree. Let’s see if we can get the slaves to rebel!

TED: Cool idea, dude! Look, here comes one now!

(A slave girl walks up to them carrying an oil lamp)

SLAVE GIRL, to Ted: Excuse me, sir. Can you hold onto this? I need to work on this brick.

TED: Whatever you want, babe!

(He picks up the oil lamp and starts examining it intently as the girl walks over to a brick and starts fiddling with it)

TED: Bill, check it out! It’s one of those magic lamps! You know, the ones with the genies?

BILL: Dude, that’s impossible. Those lamps are supposed to be, like, totally expensive and made out of gold. This one is made out of concrete or rock or something like that.

TED, smiling: So? Maybe it’ll have a small genie which will grant one wish instead of three! All we need is to wish the Israelites free and we’re done!

BILL: Good thinking, Ted! Let’s try it out!

(They start rubbing the lamp. Needless to say, no genie comes out. The slave girl, having finished working on her brick, starts coming back for the lamp)

TED, shaking the lamp vigorously: Bill, the genie isn’t coming out!

BILL: Turn it upside down, Ted!

SLAVE GIRL: Sir, I wouldn’t do – no!

(Ted turns the lamp over and all the oil spills out)

TED: Oops.

SLAVE GIRL: Terrific. Now my lamp has no oil and I won’t be able to get home after my shift.

TED: This is Egypt. It’s part of the Middle East, isn’t it? You should be able to get oil anywhere. At any rate, Sir Bill and I can’t figure out how to get the genie out. Do you know?

SLAVE GIRL: What’s a genie?

(Bill and Ted look at each other and shrug)

TED: Guess not. At any rate, we’d like to ask you a few questions. Do you like working for the Pharaoh?

SLAVE GIRL: I hate it! I want to be free! I work and work and never get paid. And be careful about what you say. The taskmasters are everywhere. If you don’t watch what you’re talking about, you’ll wind up in bondage with me – or worse!

TED: WHOA! Totally awesome idea!

BILL: Shut up, Ted!

SLAVE GIRL: I pray every day for God to send a deliverer. However, he doesn’t seem to be paying that much attention. How can that be? His people are in danger. What else could he possibly be doing?

TED, helpfully: He seems to like writing movies. He seems to be an awesome screenwriter.

SLAVE GIRL: What’s a movie?

BILL, pulling Ted aside: Dude, she doesn’t know what a movie is. This is ancient Egypt.

TED: Never mind. However, there is one thing I should tell you. I’m the guy you’ve been waiting for your entire life! God sent me to be your deliverer! Slave labor may be hard, but my – OOF!

(The slave girl kicks him in the groin)

SLAVE GIRL: Cut the corny pickup line, Egyptian! My people will manage to escape with or without your government’s help!

(Ted writhes onstage)

BILL: Listen, babe, we’re not Egyptian!

SLAVE GIRL, suspicious: You’re not Egyptian, are you? There’s an easy way to check that. Take your pants off!

BILL: WHOA! Right here?

SLAVE GIRL: Yeah. Right here.

BILL: Totally awesome!

(He’s about to undress when the taskmaster comes over. Ted finally gets back up)

TASKMASTER, to the slave girl: All right, lady! Stop chatting and get back to work.

TED, grinning: All right, I see she likes the whip. How about chains and leather?

TASKMASTER: You two foreigners, stay out of this. This is one of His Majesty’s construction projects. Ambassadors like yourselves can get hurt. I’ll escort you off the site. Besides, some new standing orders have just come down: any foreigner caught talking to a slave will be castrated. Let that be a fair warning.

BILL AND TED: Bogus...

TASKMASTER: If you’ll follow me, I’ll lead you out of the construction zone...

(Bill and Ted lug a whole bunch of containers of red liquid over to the banks of the river)

BILL, panting: Well, Ted, I think we’re going to have to do it the old-fashioned way. If we can’t talk the slaves into rebellion, we’ll have to do nasty things to Egypt.

TED: Uh, dude, what did you have in mind?

BILL: If I remember NRA guy’s movie correctly, the first thing the hero did was go to the river and pour red food coloring into it. Awesome idea – the guy must have been a real practical joker!

TED, laughing: Cool idea, man! So that’s why you took all those side trips back to 1989 and bought up all that food coloring!

BILL: Yup. Let’s pour it all in and see what happens. When we’re done, bury the containers to make sure no one catches us.

(They pour in the contents of the containers)

FRIGHTENED MAN, downstream: Ra, help us! The Nile has turned to blood!

(Bill and Ted look at each other)

TED: BLOOD? Uh, Bill, did you check the labels on the containers?

(He looks at the labels)

BILL, shrugging: Looks like food coloring to me. I even got some pretty high-quality stuff! Check out those labels! A-! B+! Dude, I’ve never seen such grades before in my life.

TED, looking at another label and laughing: Dude, this one here got a 0! In fact, it got worse than 0: it got 0-! How could someone sell food coloring which got a zero?

BILL, looking at that label: Ted, that’s not a 0. That’s an O. O-. What the hell is O supposed to stand for? Orange? If that’s orange, it probably SHOULD be a zero...

FRIGHTENED MAN, again: Pharaoh! Help us!

BILL: Dude, we’d better go help that guy! He’s freaking out!

(They bury the containers and run downstream to the scared Egyptian)

BILL: Hey, dude! Relax! This will pass!

(The guy keeps on screaming)

BILL: In with the good air, out with the bad air. In with the good air...

(It doesn’t help)

TED: Bill, this guy needs some professional help.

TED, to the frightened man: Tell me about your mother and the first chick you made out with.

(This just makes him scream twice as loud)

TED, baffled: Was it something I said?

(Pharaoh hears the noise and runs over from offstage)

FRIGHTENED MAN, relieved: Your Majesty! Please, help us!

PHARAOH: What happened?

FRIGHTENED MAN: The Nile has turned to blood!

PHARAOH: My friend, there is nothing to worry about. There was probably a battle upstream, in Nubia somewhere. This will pass. See, it’s starting to abate right now.

(The blood is starting to thin out)

FRIGHTENED MAN: Please may it be so!

PHARAOH, turning to Bill and Ted: Say, you two ambassadors may know something about this. You guys are from far away, right? Do you know anything about a battle in Nubia?

BILL: Uh...

PHARAOH: Who’s been fighting? I should know about this. Perhaps we’ll be attacked!

BILL, really improvising: Dude, I believe there’s a civil war going on in one of the countries down there.

PHARAOH: Which one? How come I wasn’t notified?

BILL, totally out of it: Umm...the Klingon Empire. Their leader is a guy named....Darth Vader. A bunch of rebels led by Luke Skywalker is trying to take over the country.

PHARAOH, frowning: Who are the Klingons? I’ve never heard of that people before. Are they Nubian?

BILL: Not sure, dude. However, they do stand out in a crowd of people.

PHARAOH, nodding: Yup. They’re probably Nubian. What are Klingons like?

TED, brightly: They’re look funny, talk in grunts, and like to attack everybody they see.

PHARAOH, convinced: It’s a far-distant Nubian kingdom. I’m sure of it. All right, my good man. You heard it from me. You have nothing to worry about. Granted, wars are terrible, but this one will stay far away from us, if the gods will it.

(He slaps the frightened man on the back to cheer him up)

FRIGHTENED MAN, to Pharaoh: Thank you, Your Majesty! I feel much better now!

PHARAOH, to Bill and Ted: Thank you, Ambassadors, for telling me about this war! Your spies must be very good. I owe you something!

BILL: Uh, can you release the Hebrew slaves?

PHARAOH: I told you, I can’t do that. If they don’t build our tombs and temples, the gods will get angry. However, I’ll give you anything else you want. Do you want some land of your own in Egypt? Some rare herbs and spices? A night in the harem? I’ll –

BILL AND TED: A NIGHT IN THE HAREM? AWESOME!

(They do their guitar riff. Pharaoh covers his ears but the frightened man thinks the music is good)

FRIGHTENED MAN: Interesting music, Ambassadors! Have you ever considered giving a concert?

BILL AND TED: Like, totally!

PHARAOH, to himself: Please. No.

(Pharaoh sighs and leads everyone away)

(Bill, Ted, and a whole bunch of people in formal Egyptian clothing are sitting around the table. Pharaoh walks in, and everyone rises. Everyone other than Bill and Ted is scratching himself like crazy as they have lice)

BILL: Done already? Whoa, that was fast! When can we go back to the harem?

PHARAOH: Sit down, gentlemen.

(Everyone sits down)

PHARAOH: In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve got a lice epidemic on our hands. And I think I know why. That battle up in Nubia filled the Nile with blood, which drove all the frogs out of the river and onto our dinner plates –

(Ted starts retching)

PHARAOH: Lord Ted, is something wrong?

TED, gasping, to Bill as an aside: Eating a frog? That’s disgusting! Frogs, man, are supposed to be on the Muppet Show. Can you imagine someone eating Miss Piggy?

BILL, to Pharaoh: Uh, sir, we don’t eat frogs where we come from. Where we come, we eat Milky Way bars, Twinkies, and lots of other foods.

PHARAOH, nodding: Those must be some of your local delicacies. Religious obligation, right?

BILL, grinning: Great idea, dude. Hey, Ted, wait until I tell my mom. I can’t stand vegetables...

PHARAOH, confused: Whatever. At any rate, I know where the lice came from. We ate so many of the frogs that we tilted nature out of balance and offended the gods. I’ve spoken to the High Priest, and he agrees. And if you want proof, take a look at the Wyld Stallyn ambassadors there. They aren’t suffering at all, and it’s because they don’t eat frogs. It goes to show you that you should listen to the gods.

TED, to Bill, as an aside: Bill, do you have any more of the Nix you stole from your mom’s medicine cabinet when we went back to get our guitars? I’m starting to itch again...

PHARAOH: We’ve also got another problem. The Klingon civil war. Our two new friends here have warned us that there’s a war going on. I figure we should probably help them sort it out. First, we need to know what started this whole thing. All right, Sir Bill, what happened?

BILL: Huh?

PHARAOH: What are they fighting about?

BILL: Uh, sir...I don’t think Obi-Wan ever told us.

PHARAOH, surprised: You don’t think any one told you? Probably another of those dynastic succession issues where women’s rights get involved. Let me guess: Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father, right?

(Bill and Ted stare at each other and then at him)

BILL AND TED: WHOA! Dude, you’re smart! It took me years to figure it out!

PHARAOH: And let me guess. Luke Skywalker has a sister who’s good at leading her people.

BILL AND TED: NO WAY! You da man!

PHARAOH, nodding: Yup, that’s it. Dynastic squabble. You see, this Darth Vader has two kids and wants Luke Skywalker’s sister to succeed him on the Klingon throne. After all, she’s more qualified at ruling the country than her brother is. Luke Skywalker is probably the firstborn son and thinks the throne should be his, so he’s trying to overthrow his father and his sister and take the throne. I’ve seen it happen all too often. So, here’s what we’ll do. We’ll send a messenger to talk to Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. We’ll offer to mediate their dispute and start trade between our cultures.

COUNSELOR #1: Your Majesty, I’ll do this. I need to get away from these accursed lice. I’ll talk to Darth Vader first. Ambassadors, how can I identify Darth Vader? Does he wear a coronet or a uraeus?

BILL AND TED: Huh?

COUNSELOR #1: Does he always have something unusual on his head whenever he goes out in public?

BILL, excited: Absolutely. He’s got this, like, big helmet and talks in a really deep voice. He likes to choke people.

COUNSELOR #1, nodding, turns to Pharaoh: Your Majesty, this fellow sounds like you: one of those kings who wears armor and a crowned helmet all the time so he can lead his troops in person and attack his enemies with his own hands. That’s one way to rally support for your side during a civil war! He sounds like a really capable ruler. He shows everyone who’s really the king!

BILL, shrugging: Whatever you say, dude!

COUNSELOR #1: With your permission, Your Majesty, I’ll be off.

PHARAOH: May the gods be with you.

(The counselor gets up, bows, and leaves)

TED: Dude, it’s may the Force be with you. However, you really don’t want to say that around Darth Vader...

PHARAOH, satisfied: All right, so that’s one item on the agenda. Now – how are we going to get everyone from thinking about the lice epidemic?

COUNSELOR #2: How about performing a show everyone can come to?

PHARAOH: I’ve put on all the shows I can think of. Wild beasts get irritating after a while, and dancing girls just get the womenfolk upset.

BILL AND TED: Dude, we vote for the dancing girls!

COUNSELOR #2, ignoring them: How about something musical?

PHARAOH: I’ve tried that too! I even organized some of the priestesses of Isis into choir – they’re the only people I know who can sing on key. I’ve sent the Isis Sisters traveling throughout the kingdom, and no one seems to be paying any attention. That’s one band which won’t get off the ground.

BILL AND TED: EXCELLENT!

PHARAOH, suspicious: Why is that good? The people will still be suffering.

BILL, backtracking: Uh...if they’re busy advertising their assets, dudes will try to go out with them. This will cause this Isis character to become jealous, and he is going to start kicking people in the balls. Besides, you wouldn’t believe what Duke Indiana Jones can do to unguarded temples...

PHARAOH: Guys, Isis is female...

TED: Girl on girl action! Awesome! Is there mud wrestling?

(Everyone gasps)

COUNSELOR #2, furious: Do NOT insult our gods. I don’t know what culture you come from, but in Egypt we don’t make jokes about the beings who run the world!

PHARAOH, to Counselor #2, pointing at Bill and Ted: Screaming at my advisors because they do not understand our customs will not solve the problem. I need ideas, people!

COUNSELOR #2, suitably penitent: You know, now that they’re here, I have an idea. How about having them hire a musical troupe from their kingdom? I doubt anyone in Egypt has heard Wyld Stallyn music before. Isis must have lured them over for a reason, and I doubt it’s to insult her.

BILL AND TED: Awesome! We’ll even bring these two slave girls we found in this castle...

COUNSELOR #2: And they even have slave women to help with their performance. Your Majesty, the gods will it. I think it should be done.

(Pharaoh covers his face with his hands)

PHARAOH: The last time I heard Wyld Stallyn music, my magicians’ snakes died. I don’t like their music all that much. I only know one person who liked it, and he had gone off his rocker when the Nile filled with blood.

BILL, slyly: You may not like our music, but your kids are gonna love it...

COUNSELOR #2: Your Majesty, be reasonable. The snakes died just by coincidence. Besides, you and I both know that if the commoners like the music, it will calm everybody down. You may not like their music, but it will soothe the spirits of thousands of people.

PHARAOH, sighing: This goes against my better judgment, but you’re right. All right, you two. You can have your concert.

TED: Thanks, dude! Bill – I’ll take the booth, go back home, and bring the pyrotechnics. You know, the fireworks and stuff?

PHARAOH: The what?

TED: You’ll see!

(Bill, Ted, and the two princesses are busy setting up grain and fruit on a table near the stage. Someone starts walking by and looks at the table, surprised. It’s sunset)

BILL: Uh, Ted, I don’t know why they recommended that we serve fruit and vegetables. Who would eat them? I’d rather eat that bread with those nasty worms in it.

TED: It’s what people eat here, dude. No wonder they’re all so short!

COUNSELOR #2, watching them set up: Ambassadors, you really don’t want to leave the grain out like that. It’s going to be a magnet for locusts.

BILL: Locusts? Cool!

COUNSELOR #2, shaking his head: Must be one of their religious customs...they must see the locust as a god or something like that...

(Night falls. All of the fans file in. Pharaoh, with his firstborn son Kha, sits in his royal box, with Counselor #2 at his side. Pharaoh has some wads of wool in his hands. He starts stuffing them in his ears)

COUNSELOR #2: Your Majesty, what are those pieces of wool for?

PHARAOH: Earplugs.

COUNSELOR #2: You really think their music is that bad? This is a performance, sir. What can possibly go wrong?

(Bill and Ted come out onstage with the princesses. They have electric guitars, but obviously they can’t use the electricity so they’re playing them as regular guitars)

BILL, expansively: Hello, dudes, dudettes, and weird-looking mutants which are half lion and half person!

KHA: Weird mutants? Cool! Where?

PHARAOH, eyes closed: Sphinxes, guys. Sphinxes.

BILL: I’m Sir Bill, and he’s Lord Ted. Together, we’re Wyld Stallyns!

(They do their guitar riff. Half the people cheer and half put their fingers in their ears. Kha seems strangely captivated. One of the princesses ignites a huge bonfire on a stand near the edge of the moat)

COUNSELOR #2: It’s different, Your Majesty. But that doesn’t make it wrong. What can possibly go wrong with having them sing?

PHARAOH, resigned: Just wait.

(Bill and Ted start their concert with their traditional ridiculous heavy metal music. They start acting out like Kiss, Ozzy Osbourne, Jimi Hendrix, and other controversial rockers. It starts driving a few more people up the wall. The animals don’t like it either, and livestock starts racing through the crowd, trampling a few of the people)

COUNSELOR #2, frowning: Well, wild beasts...

(He looks around the field, and all of the animals which haven’t gone berserk have decided to kill themselves in whatever ways are convenient)

COUNSELOR #2: Cattle disease...

(Acrid smoke from the huge bonfire, combined with the dust from the rampaging animals, irritates the louse bites. The Egyptians start scratching themselves even more)

COUNSELOR #2, scratching his bites: Boils...Your Majesty, you may have been right...

PHARAOH, sighing: And we can’t stop now without triggering a diplomatic incident. Let’s hope we can get through this without going crazy.

(The princesses start jumping all over the stage with racy costumes and guitar music, trying to distract the crowd as Bill and Ted surreptitiously climb up a date palm tree and start shooting off fireworks. This surprises the Egyptians, who have never seen fireworks before. Kha is absolutely fascinated)

COUNSELOR #2: Lightning...

(Bill and Ted continue to shoot off fireworks, crawling across branches. This dislodges half the dates, which start falling into the crowd like bombs)

COUNSELOR #2: ...complete with hail. You know, Your Majesty, I think we’ve reached the point where the cure for our lice problem is worse than the disease...Your Majesty?

(Pharaoh is sobbing. Counselor #2 braces himself and turns to face the stage just as a whole swarm of locusts appears out of nowhere, starts flying past Bill and Ted, and immediately starts attacking the food along with a bunch of animal carcasses)

COUNSELOR #2: Locusts...serves them right...uh, sorry, Your Majesty...

(The princesses, having lived in a medieval era, are familiar with locusts. They keep on performing. Bill and Ted, however, are not)

BILL: Eew! BUGS! Get them off of me!

TED: Hey, turn around! Let me swat – check it out dude, it’s as big as my hand! Bill, they’ve got mutant bugs here too!

BILL, swatting like crazy: Shut up, Ted! Call the phone booth – YEOW!

(He falls from the tree, bounces off the stand holding the bonfire up, and falls into the lake at the center of the oasis. The stand slowly starts to topple)

BILL, sopping wet: That was dumb, man. I – whoa!

(He sees the bonfire starting to fall over – bouncing off the stand has knocked it off balance. The stand doesn’t fall, however)

BILL: Phew!

(A rampaging animal runs into it and knocks it over to the point where there’s no way it’s going to stay up)

BILL: Oh, crap!

(He jumps out of the lake as the bonfire falls into the water and extinguishes itself. It’s pitch black, and the air is filled with steam and locusts. Animals are still running through the crowd. The crowd starts running away in chaos)

COUNSELOR #2: Darkness...

PHARAOH: That’s IT. No more concerts for those guys...

(Counselor #2 slaps him)

PHARAOH: What was that for?

COUNSELOR #2: Louse, Your Majesty...

(They start leaving. Kha looks longingly at the stage)

KHA: I now know what I want to do when I grow up!

(Pharaoh is sitting on his throne, Kha at his side. Counselor #2 walks in and bows)

PHARAOH: Rise, my friend. What’s on your mind?

(The counselor gets up).

COUNSELOR #2: Your Majesty, we’ve got a bit of a problem. It appears that a decent-sized segment of the population actually likes Wyld Stallyn music.

PHARAOH: That’s impossible. Everyone I saw at that travesty of a concert went insane.

COUNSELOR #2: Nevertheless, those two ambassadors seem to have picked up a fan club despite the fact that we’ve ordered them not to perform anymore. The Hebrews seem to like them a lot – they claim it’s proof Egyptians don’t like foreigners.

PHARAOH: That doesn’t sound good. How do you know this?

COUNSELOR #2: Remember those strange musical instruments the ambassadors were using? The ones called "guitars"?

PHARAOH, rolling his eyes: How can I forget? They seem to have unusual powers. They can trigger plagues, animal rampages, locusts...

COUNSELOR #2: Well, it appears that many of the commoners are engraving little pictures of guitars on their doorposts. Almost all of the Hebrews have done so.

(Kha grins conspiratorially)

PHARAOH: Have you tried to talk to the ambassadors? We need to think this through. Let’s go to my office.

(He gets up and starts heading for the exit. Counselor #2 follows)

COUNSELOR #2: I’ve tried, Your Majesty. They claim I have no taste. They compare our music to something called elevator music.

PHARAOH: What? We’re the pinnacle of civilization. What do you mean we have no taste? Send the Isis Sisters over there –

(He keeps on talking as he and the counselor leave the room. Kha stays behind. Soon, Bill and Ted enter)

BILL: Hi, kid! You wanted to talk to us?

KHA: Yes, I did. You see, Ambassadors, I’m a big fan of your music. I want to be part of your group!

BILL AND TED: Awesome! We think groupies are cool!

(Bill, Ted, and Kha do the guitar riff)

BILL: Whoa, this kid can perform, too! What’s your name, dude?

KHA: I’m Kha, Pharaoh’s firstborn son. I’m a prince.

TED, aside, to BILL: Kha? Sounds like someone puking...we’d better do something about that if he’s going to be part of our band...

BILL, to Kha: PRINCE? Like Purple Rain?

KHA: I don’t know if I like it or not, as I’ve never seen purple rain in my life. Is the rain purple where you come from?

BILL: Um...never mind. In all seriousness, dude, think about it. You’re a kid, so you don’t like doing anything boring. You’re going to have to practice a lot if you want to be in a band. However, consider the flip side. We’ve got some really bodacious princesses in our band. The rewards can be most excellent.

KHA, excited: All the more reason for me to join the band – as a nobleman I have to marry a princess. I’ll be doing my father a big favor.

BILL AND TED, pointing at each other: Take his princess! Not mine!

KHA: Anything is better than listening to my father try to teach me how to run a kingdom. Diplomacy, military tactics, and economics are so boring. I know why "gross national product" is called a "gross national product".

BILL: What’s a gross national product? Boogers?

KHA, oblivious to what they’re saying: As crown prince, I order you to make me part of your band!

BILL: Well, if you’re willing to practice, fine with us! You like drums or guitars?

KHA, eagerly: Where can I get a guitar?

BILL: You’ll have to come back where we came from so we can get you one. We’re going to go to a place named San Dimas!

KHA: Where’s that? In Nubia, where the Klingons are?

BILL: Um...it’s in a galaxy far, far, away...

KHA: I thought so! Nubia! The Klingon Empire, Darth Vader – all are in Nubia!

TED: Whatever you say, dude...

KHA: Great! How are we going to get there?

BILL: Easy. Abracadabra!

(He snaps his fingers and the phone booth falls from the sky into the throne room)

KHA, wowed: Great Ra! You are even greater magicians than I thought! My father told me about how you subdued his snakes.

BILL, to Ted, pointing at Kha: I told myself to send the booth over here with a change of clothes for him.

BILL, looking Kha up and down: Dude, you are NOT wearing that King Tut costume in public in San Dimas. People will look at you like you’re a dork. Try these on and leave your current clothes on the ground. Bring your headdress with you – we can use it as part of the act.

(Kha changes clothes and leaves his Egyptian finery on the floor as Counselor #1, having returned from Nubia, walks in unnoticed. Kha keeps his headdress on)

KHA, looking at the phone booth, as Bill walks into it: Uh, what is this?

TED, pushing him in: It’s a...fancy chariot. It will take us where we want to go.

KHA, excited: Darth Vader, here we come!

(The phone booth disappears into the ground. The counselor nearly collapses and starts tearing his hair)

COUNSELOR #1: AAAHHH!

(He runs over and picks up Kha’s discarded clothing. Meanwhile, Pharaoh walks in speaking with Counselor #2)

PHARAOH: – and I don’t know what will make them stop...

(He sees Counselor #1)

PHARAOH: Praise the gods, you’re back – good grief, what happened?

COUNSELOR #1: Your Majesty! Those Wyld Stallyn ambassadors are agents of death! They have abducted Kha and taken him to the underworld! Nobody in Nubia seemed to have ever heard of Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, or the Klingon Empire before, and I now know why! Darth Vader is not a Nubian prince – he’s a demon from the underworld! Great Ra, everything fits now! I’m sorry, sir!

PHARAOH: Calm down. You’re probably imagining something!

COUNSELOR #1: Sir, I’m not imagining anything! I saw them drag him into the ground with my own two eyes!

PHARAOH, coldly: Are you drunk?

COUNSELOR #1: No, sir! Look at this!

(He hands Pharaoh Kha’s clothing. Pharaoh looks at it, stiffens in shock, starts crying, and eventually comes to himself. He starts shaking in fury)

PHARAOH, angry: Darth Vader, Rufus, beware! Face the wrath of the Son of Ra! You’ve killed my firstborn son!

(The phone booth materializes onstage with the one Rufus returned in during scene 2. Rufus is leading the first copy of Bill and Ted away. The historical figures are running around, confused)

BILL: Hey, Ted! Check it out! It’s the other copy of us!

KHA, looking at the other Bill and Ted, and extremely impressed: You are extremely good magicians, Ambassadors! You can make extra copies of yourselves!

BILL, flustered: Well, uh, dude, actually Rufus helped with that. That’s Rufus over there.

(He points)

KHA: He’s your lord, right? The man who sent you here to ask for the emancipation of the Hebrew slaves?

BILL: Uh...right. First things first. We’ve got to talk to ourselves!

(They step out of the phone booth to tumultuous applause. Bill and Ted start waving at their other selves)

BILL AND TED: Hey, Other Bill and Other Ted!

(The other Bill and Ted turn to face them)

OTHER BILL AND OTHER TED: Whoa! It’s us again!

BILL AND TED: What number are we thinking of?

BOTH BILLS AND BOTH TEDS, simultaneously: 69, dude!

(The crowd roars.)

TED, whispering to Bill: Check it out! So-crates and the rest of our historical friends are still here! Rufus hasn’t taken them back yet! This kid will fit right in!

BILL, whispering to Ted: Excellent! We’ll have him help with our history report. And what’s more, this dude’s Egyptian. Let’s see if we can pass him off as King Tut. After all, we were never able to find King Tut the first time!

BILL, to Ted: Totally awesome idea, dude!

BILL AND TED, pointing at Kha: Ladies and gentlemen, for our last historical figure, allow us to introduce...King Tut!

(Kha looks at Bill and Ted, totally confused, as Bill and Ted spoke English. However, he eventually figures out that he’s being introduced and starts waving. The crowd cheers, and half the people start doing the Walk like an Egyptian moves. Kha walks over to Socrates)

KHA, to Socrates, in Egyptian: Excuse me, but are you Darth Vader? I’m Crown Prince Kha of Egypt.

(Socrates stares at him blankly. After a pause...)

SOCRATES, pointing at himself: Socrates (pronounced correctly).

(Socrates scratches his head as Kha walks back to Bill and Ted)

OTHER BILL AND OTHER TED: Excellent! It sounds like we managed to pick up King Tut after all! Awesome! All right, Rufus, so what’s up?

KHA: Which one of these people is Darth Vader? And where do I get a guitar? I want to be a musician just like you! How about this? My father told me Darth Vader had a very capable daughter whom he wanted to become the next Klingon queen. She IS a princess, right?

(Bill and Ted look at each other and laugh. Still smirking, Bill turns to face Kha)

BILL: Dude, her name is Princess Leia. Everyone knows that.

KHA, surprised: Leia? Sounds Hebrew. Darth Vader must have had an affair with a Hebrew slave. No wonder Luke Skywalker is pissed – he’s probably Darth Vader’s legitimate son. At any rate, everything is now falling into place, praise the gods. If I marry Darth Vader’s daughter, I can become the official musician of the Klingons – and we’ll become popular as the official band of the Klingons! Furthermore, the marriage will forge an alliance between my father’s kingdom and Darth Vader’s faction. This should prevent Luke Skywalker from overthrowing the rightful ruler there. Come to think of it, this even explains why you’re trying to get the Hebrew slaves emancipated! Your kingdom is an ally of my country, so you’re trying to help us finalize the alliance. You and my father are trying to show Leia’s court that we aren’t barbarians and that we can treat Hebrews with respect! The gods have sent you to us in our time of need!

(Bill and Ted stare at him, confused)

BILL: Whatever you say, dude. Now, if you’ll come with us, we’ll get you a guitar and teach you how to use it. And while we’re at it, we’ll show you images of Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia...

(A group of soldiers is milling around the room. Counselor #1 walks in)

COUNSELOR #1: Your attention, please! Infantry Corps II, make way for His Majesty, Rameses II!

(The soldiers snap to attention as Pharaoh marches in, determined to do...something. He’s wearing mourning clothes)

PHARAOH: At ease, Infantry Corps II!

(The soldiers relax slightly, but not much – after all, they’re in the presence of their king and they’re highly disciplined and loyal troops)

PHARAOH: Gentlemen, what I am about to tell you cannot leave this room. A week ago, my firstborn son, Kha, was killed by ambassadors from the kingdom of the Wyld Stallyns. The ambassadors have not been seen since. This will not be tolerated.

(The soldiers realize they’re about to go to battle and get a little excited).

PHARAOH: They have made an alliance with Darth Vader, a demon. They had come to Egypt claiming they had wanted the Hebrew slaves emancipated. I intend to lead Infantry Corps I on a punitive expedition to Nubia. Merenptah, one of my sons, will serve as acting ruler since my firstborn son is dead.

COMMANDER: That’s horrible, sir. What do you want us to do?

PHARAOH: There is obviously a conspiracy in the works between the Hebrew slaves, the demons, and the Wyld Stallyns. The ambassadors would not have asked me to free the slaves otherwise. Furthermore, it seems that the Hebrews seem to like that atrocious noise the Wyld Stallyns consider musical – and tends to cause death and destruction whenever it is performed. Look for yourselves: you can see "guitars" engraved all over their doorposts. Your mission is as follows: one week from now, you will go throughout the land, killing every single Hebrew slave you see. Men, women, children, it doesn’t matter. I am Pharaoh, and I command it.

(The soldiers start muttering among themselves)

COMMANDER: Sir, we don’t really like attacking civilians – even slaves. This sounds highly unethical. The gods won’t be happy. Are you sure this is the right thing to do?

PHARAOH, furious: Would you prefer to confront an organized slave rebellion? Those foreigners should be eradicated as soon as possible! I am Pharaoh, and I am hardening my heart.

COMMANDER: Sir, is it wise for you to personally lead your army? You may be injured or killed. If you are killed, what will happen to Egypt?

PHARAOH: The gods will it. I won’t be killed. I’ve given you orders, and I expect them to be carried out.

COMMANDER, coming to attention: I understand, sir.

COMMANDER, turning to face his troops: All right, gentlemen! You heard it yourself. In the name of Pharaoh, prepare for battle! You can keep all the booty you want!

(The soldiers cheer and start chatting excitedly about the upcoming campaign).

(Merenptah, as acting ruler, is seated in the throne. He’s talking to Counselor #1)

MERENPTAH: I sure hope my father comes out all right. That arrow hit he sustained could be life-threatening. Thank the gods the commander is bringing him back here so the priests can heal him.

COUNSELOR #1: I agree, Your Highness. He should not have gone off with the soldiers. But if you’ve lost your son, what else can you do?

(The phone booth falls out of the air before the throne.)

MERENPTAH: A demon! Guards!

(The guards rush in)

BILL, from inside the booth: Ted, you idiot! You hit the 2 button instead of the 7 button! We’re coming back almost two weeks later than we left!

TED, from inside the booth: Oops. Sorry, dude. Hey, Tut! How are you doing?

KHA, from inside the booth: Ambassadors, I keep on telling you. My name is not Tut!

(Bill and Ted leave the phone booth)

COUNSELOR #1: It’s them! It’s the ambassadors! They’re the ones who sent Kha to the underworld!

MERENPTAH, standing up: Arrest those men!

(The guards start walking over to them)

BILL AND TED: Uh oh...

KHA, from inside the booth: Belay that order, Merenptah!

MERENPTAH, suspiciously: Kha? But you’re dead!

(Kha, having been exposed to the 20^th century, is dressed up like a punk rocker, with makeup and a mohawk and stuff like that. He has an electric guitar in his hands. Of course, he’s still got his Egyptian headdress. Merenptah gawks at him. The guards scratch their heads, confused)

MERENPTAH, making a sign against evil: Stay away, shade! You may sound like my brother, but you sure do not look like him! You have an unrecognizable wig on! You have one of those – guitars! Kha would never have associated with the Ambassadors! He was abducted by them!

KHA, running up to Merenptah, shakes his hand: See? I’m flesh and blood. I’ve survived, and I can explain everything. There is no need for alarm.

MERENPTAH, stunned: Great Ra, Kha! You HAVE survived! The demons have abducted you, but you’ve survived! Thank the gods!

(They embrace)

KHA: How’s Dad?

(Merenptah pauses)

MERENPTAH: He’s been grievously injured in action in Nubia and is en route back to Egypt so the priests can care for him. We’re in the process of subjugating Nubian kingdoms until we reach Rufus and blow away the kingdom of the Wyld Stallyns to avenge our father. When I find Rufus, I will say: "Hello, my name is – "

BILL AND TED, together: " – Inigo Montoya, you killed my father – "

MERENPTAH: not amused, pointing to Bill and Ted: PREPARE TO DIE!

(The guards unsheathe their swords)

BILL, to Ted: Uh, I think they mean to attack us.

TED: Bogus...

KHA, confused: War against Rufus and his kingdom? But they’re our allies! Tell the soldiers to stop it right now!

BILL, desperately: Listen, Pharaoh dude, you do NOT want to fight Rufus or he’ll just drop a phone booth on your head...

MERENPTAH: STAY OUT OF THIS, YOU SWINE! At this moment, I’m acting as Pharaoh, and I’m going to make sure your kingdom is sent back to the depths! Kha may have survived, but a mere mortal would not have against a force of darkness as powerful as Darth Vader!

TED, helpfully: Uh, dude, you may be interested to know that Darth Vader eventually becomes good – ulp!

(The guard pokes him with his sword)

KHA, grinning: Actually, Merenptah, I don’t think you have that much say in the matter. I believe I’m the one who’s supposed to give the orders.

MERENPTAH: No way, Kha. We’ve got to avenge our father. Besides, Dad put me in command –

KHA, cutting in smoothly: – because he didn’t think that I, the rightful heir, was still alive. What’s more, with our father incapacitated, I, the Crown Prince, assume authority as Pharaoh!

GUARD, thoughtfully: He’s got a point, Your Highness. Your father’s laws on the succession are clear. All right, Kha, it’s up to you. What do you want us to do?

KHA: First things first. Release the ambassadors.

(The guards release Bill and Ted)

KHA: Call Hoshea the son of Nun, the representative of the Hebrew slaves.

TED, grinning, to Bill: No wonder everyone’s so religious, man. This guy’s mom was a nun.

BILL: Shut up, Ted!

KHA: Tell Hoshea that the slaves are free to go under the authority of Crown Prince Kha, Acting Pharaoh.

BILL AND TED: EXCELLENT!

(Guitar riff, and a few people wince, but no one pays attention because of the tension in the room)

KHA: Send soldiers to help the Hebrews leave and convince the taskmasters to let them go. Send emissaries to Darth Vader and tell him that Egypt agrees to an alliance. As Princess Leia already appears to be going out with Han Solo and the Klingon, I can’t marry her, but the alliance will do for the time being.

COUNSELOR #1, surprised: You’ve seen a Klingon?

KHA: Yes. His name is Chewbacca. He’s just like what they said he’d be like – funny-looking, warlike, talking in grunts, and attacking everybody he comes across.

COUNSELOR #1: Your Highness, you must have been imagining something. Darth Vader and the Klingons don’t exist. I’ve looked all over the place Darth Vader. I’ve never been able to find him, and no one in Nubia seems to know who he is.

KHA: Look harder, or I’ll have you executed.

COUNSELOR #1: As you wish.

(He leaves)

MERENPTAH: Uh, Kha, we have a bit of a problem. The soldiers are under orders to kill all of the Hebrew slaves in two days. And they’ve been instructed to ignore any orders from the Pharaoh – Dad was concerned that he’d try to talk himself out of the executions.

BILL, to Ted: Uh oh...God will be PISSED.

KHA: I’ll send out my own messengers to the slaves. We’ll tell them to leave at once, to give them a chance to escape before the soldiers come. They’re to leave immediately – no waiting for anything: dinner, bread to rise, anything!

TED, to Bill: He got one thing right: once they’re out of bondage, they won’t be able to rise as easily –

BILL: Shut up, Ted!

MERENPTAH: Kha, who will build our temples if we lose the slaves AND stop the war? Dad had planned to use Nubian POW’s after we’ve killed the Hebrews, but if there’s no war...

KHA, thinking: You know, that’s a good point...

BILL, brightly: Dude, we’ve got some alien friends called Stations who are good at making robots. They’ll make robot workers.

MERENPTAH: What’s a robot?

BILL, hastily: Uh...something in a galaxy far, far, away.

KHA, translating: It’s technology from our allies in the Wyld Stallyns kingdom. I’ve been to San Dimas, their capital. I even saw Rufus, the king. They can do lots of cool things there! And no, it’s NOT the underworld!

MERENPTAH: If that’s what you want to do, we’ll follow the orders. I hope you know what you’re doing, Kha.

KHA: I do, Merenptah. Now get going!

(Pharaoh is resting comfortably after surviving his injury. A priest comes in)

PRIEST: The gods are with us! Your Majesty, you have survived!

PHARAOH: Thank the gods! How’s the war going? Have we won? Have the Wyld Stallyns and Hebrews been exterminated?

PRIEST, haltingly: Uh, Your Majesty, the orders have been changed.

PHARAOH: Changed? I told Merenptah not to do anything stupid while I was recovering!

PRIEST: It wasn’t by Merenptah, Your Majesty. Kha came back and pulled rank as Crown Prince!

PHARAOH, sitting up quickly: KHA? He’s dead! Wait – did those traitorous ambassadors come back with him?

PRIEST: From what I’ve been told, yes.

PHARAOH, agitated: The Hebrews! Are the Hebrews dead?

PRIEST: Sir, they’ve been emancipated on Kha’s orders – legitimately, I may add, as he is first in line to the throne and you were incapacitated. Merenptah told me himself. They’re en route to Canaan as we speak. They should be approaching the Sea of Reeds.

PHARAOH: What about the soldiers? Did they at least try to follow orders?

PRIEST: Mutinous. They tried to kill the slaves and got oil squirted all over them. Those Hebrews seem to have skin as hard as metal! They won’t fight creatures they can’t kill!

(Pharaoh starts seething with rage)

PRIEST: Your Majesty! What’s wrong!

PHARAOH: Merenptah, YOU IDIOT! You fell for the oldest trick the book! The demons sent a shade back in the shape of Kha to try to destabilize Egypt and displease the gods, and Merenptah fell for it! Prepare my chariot! I’m going to deal with those two ambassadors personally now. The generals can handle the campaign in Nubia without me. I am descended from gods, and only gods can deal with shades! I will lead Infantry Corps II personally. They’ve been cheated out of a battle by Merenptah’s stupidity, and I intend to rectify that!

PRIEST: Your Majesty, you are still not well yet!

PHARAOH: I’m well enough for this! Now move! I’ll get those soldiers to fight regardless of what those Hebrews can dish out!

(Bill, Ted, the Hebrews (with Hoshea leading them) , and a whole bunch of groupies (including Kha) are stuck at the Red Sea)

BILL, to Ted: Ted, you bonehead! You never told me there was an ocean in the way!

TED: Dude, when I was in geography class, Amy next to me was trying to show off her –

KHA: Ambassadors, I told you we were going the wrong way. I told you we were going to hit the ocean. Why didn’t you listen?

HOSHEA: They were too busy playing their music, Your Highness. They probably couldn’t hear what you were saying over what they were playing. To tell you the truth, I wish I couldn’t hear what they had been playing either.

KHA: I hope we’ve got enough lead time on my father’s soldiers to try to make it over to where the crossing is. Let’s start heading down the riverbank to the crossing.

HOSHEA: Your Highness, I don’t think we’ve got the time. I can only think of one thing to do. Pray to God for a safe crossing. I’ll see what I can do.

(Hoshea wades into the Red Sea, confident God will open the waters for the Hebrews. He goes underwater...and a few minutes later comes out floating face down in the ocean.)

BILL: Uh, oh...

(Bill runs over to do CPR on him and starts reviving him.)

TED, wincing, to Kha: Uh, dude, I don’t think that worked. Where’s that crossing?

KHA: Over this way. Follow me.

***

(A whole platoon of soldiers starts charging towards the Red Sea, raising a cloud of dust. A few minutes later, Pharaoh appears with his chariot and Counselor #2 in tow)

PHARAOH, panting: Counselor, I apologize! I shouldn’t have gone off without getting healed completely. I’m exhausted, and I need to take a break.

COUNSELOR #2: Your Majesty, we need to hurry. If you want to be there to inspire your army, you have to get to the Red Sea with the rest of the troops.

PHARAOH: I can’t go any further...I doubt that I’d look very inspirational if I fall down in the middle of the battle.

COUNSELOR #2, thoughtfully: You know, you’re right. It may be best for us to wait in reserve and catch the shades by surprise. At the very least, it will give you chance to rest. Besides, you shouldn’t engage in physical combat unless you’re perfectly healthy.

PHARAOH: I’m Pharaoh! I’m all-powerful –

COUNSELOR #2: – and you’re also recovering from an injury. Trust me, Your Majesty – Your Majesty?

(Pharaoh starts panting again)

COUNSELOR #2: Your Majesty, we’re staying here. Just for a moment.

***

(The soldiers come charging over a hill and come in sight of Bill, Ted, and the Hebrews)

COMMANDER: There they are! Get them! For the glory of Pharaoh!

HOSHEA, having survived his ordeal: I see the Egyptian army! Ambassadors, do something! You must be familiar with military tactics! What would you recommend?

TED, staring at the soldiers: Pissing in my pants, dude...this is not good.

HOSHEA, turning to Kha: Your Highness? Do you have any ideas!

KHA: I’ve been trained in military tactics, though I find it a bit boring. I’d recommend climbing that hill over there. We’ll be able to defend more easily.

HOSHEA: Good thinking, Your Highness. Let’s do that.

(They climb the hill. Meanwhile, the soldiers are in the valley between the two hills, right at sea level. Waves are lapping maybe five feet from the soldiers’ feet)

TED, mournfully: This sounds like the end of our most excellent adventure. It was a gas while it lasted, though.

BILL: Dude, I’m afraid you’re right. I wish we had a boat – dude, tha t’s it!

(Suddenly, lightning starts flashing across the entire sky – far more lightning that normally accompanies a phone booth. Meanwhile, a caravan with Jethro and his family can be seen crossing the stage heading towards Egypt. They see the soldiers coming and immediately hide)

TED, KHA, AND HOSHEA: What?

BILL: A boat! We need to find a boat!

HOSHEA, exasperated: And where, Ambassador, are we going to find a boat able to hold this many people?

BILL, quickly, to Ted: If we sent ourselves 300 years into Rufus’s future when they’ve got time-traveling floating city luxury liners as well as phone booths, we should be expecting a boat to fall out of the sky about right...

(Suddenly a HUGE luxury cruise ship, the U.S.S. Promised Land, appears out of nowhere. It’s the height of a 20-story building. It falls out of the sky and lands in the Red Sea. It displaces so much water that the center of the Red Sea temporarily turns to dry land. However, the water has to go somewhere. A huge tidal wave races ashore and obliterates all of the Egyptian forces. Pharaoh, well behind the army, is spared)

BILL: NOW!

TED: WHOA! That’s probably Noah’s Ark! Dude, now we can figure out if Joan of Arc was really Noah’s wife! If we bring Noah back...

BILL, looking at all the drowned Egyptians: Oh, so that’s where that flood came from! Good thinking, Ted! I sure hope that Pharaoh dude doesn’t find out though...he will be MOST unhappy...

HOSHEA: Merciful God! We are spared! Thank you, Ambassadors!

KHA, in awe: Ambassadors, are you in fact gods? Tell me! I need to know! You are more powerful than any magician that I can even dream of!

(Bill hesitates again)

TED, quoting Ghostbusters, and nudging Bill: "If someone asks if you are a god, you say yes!"

ZIPPORAH, emerging from hiding: I think I’ve heard that line before! Sir Bill! It’s me, Zipporah!

(Everybody spins around)

BILL: Whoa! It’s the sheik’s chick!

ZIPPORAH: You are indeed a heavenly being!

BILL: Do you still want to be my girl?

ZIPPORAH, grinning: Absolutely! As you would say, party on, dudes!

(Bill and Zipporah start making out. Everyone starts cheering – except for Ted. Jethro looks on with a troubled look on his face)

JETHRO: There goes half my bride-price...

TED, mournfully to Kha: Can you use your royal powers to make her go out with me instead of him?

KHA, waving his hands in resignation: I’m not getting involved with gods, Your Divine Holiness!

(Hoshea and the Hebrews start bowing to Bill and Ted)

HOSHEA: Your Holiness, forgive us for our transgressions.

TED, laughing: Dude, don’t bow to us. You’ll get your face all muddy. Besides, I think there’s something about not bowing to people in the Ten Commandments. That along with not sleeping with your sister’s wife and not trying to steal third base during the playoffs.

HOSHEA: The Ten Commandments? What are they?

BILL AND TED, slyly: You’ll see!

HOSHEA: They sound like a book of laws. Probably based on Hammurabi’s. That’s a good idea. It will help bind our clans into a nation.

BILL, to Ted: What’s a Hammurabi?

TED, shrugging, to Bill: Beats me, dude. Probably a brand of Japanese stereo equipment.

TED, to Hoshea: However, we’ll deal with that problem later. For now at least, let me lead you to the Promised Land!

(Everyone cheers)

HOSHEA: What will the Promised Land be like?

BILL: It’s got casinos, dancing girls, swimming pools, jacuzzis, and its own shopping mall complete with a roller coaster, movie theater, bowling alley, and THREE four-star restaurants!

(Pause)

HOSHEA: It seems that we have a lot to learn as a free people, Your Divine Holiness. However, I’m sure that you’ll help us through.

BILL: Right. Now get on board and party on, dudes!

(The Hebrews start boarding. Bill and Ted are about to get on when Rufus walks off)

BILL AND TED: RUFUS!

KHA, to Rufus: Your Majesty, welcome to Egypt!

RUFUS, to Kha: Thank you, Your Highness. I’m sure your father will adjust to you no longer being in Egypt. He thinks you’re dead.

KHA: I hope he can cope. Besides, Your Majesty, I didn’t want to be Pharaoh anyway. Merenptah can succeed me if he wants. I want to be a musician.

RUFUS: You will be a musician, Your Highness, and a very good one.

KHA: Cool!

RUFUS, turning to Bill and Ted: And thank YOU, Bill and Ted. Once again, you’ve saved the day. You’ve managed to do in a span of a few weeks what Moses and Aaron took years to figure out. I’m proud of you!

BILL AND TED: Thanks, Rufus!

RUFUS: Any last questions?

BILL AND TED: Uh, Rufus, how are we going to get those Hebrews off the boat when they get to Israel? With all those dancing girls and all! It’s going to take forever to convince them to disembark!

RUFUS: Forty years, boys. Forty years...

(Pharaoh and Counselor #2 finally reach the Red Sea. The Promised Land is heading off into the distance. The only person left is Rufus, who’s watching with satisfaction. Pharaoh sees the departing ship and the drowned Egyptians)

PHARAOH: Great Ra! The slaves have escaped, and Infantry Corps II has been wiped out. Boy, are we in trouble.

COUNSELOR #2: Umm...yes, Your Majesty, I believe you’re right.

PHARAOH, pissed off: Thanks. I really needed that.

(He sees Rufus, who bows respectfully)

PHARAOH, to Rufus: Who are you? What happened here? You’re not Egyptian, and you’re not Hebrew. Are you a Bedouin?

RUFUS: Your Majesty, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rufus.

PHARAOH: Rufus? You mean Wyld Stallyns Rufus?

RUFUS: If you mean Bill and Ted, the two ambassadors, then yes.

PHARAOH, furious: Do you realize what you’ve done? You’ve insulted me and all of Egypt! I am going to wage war on your kingdom until you are wiped off the face of the earth!

RUFUS: Your Majesty, calm down. It’s not the end of the world.

PHARAOH, hopping up and down in rage: Calm down? What down you mean, calm down? You’ve wrecked everything I’ve been taking care of for the past few years!

RUFUS: Egypt is the center of civilization. You and I both know that. You may be interested to know that thousands of years from now, everyone will be still be coming to Egypt to learn about your great kingdom.

(More lightning bolts)

PHARAOH, sarcastic: And how do you know that?

(Rufus gestures, and a phone booth falls out of the sky next to him. This is followed by a second thud: Counselor #2 has fainted)

RUFUS: I believe Bill and Ted told you that I can travel through time.

PHARAOH, looking at the phone booth: How did you do that? Are you a magician?

RUFUS: A magician, no. A knowledgeable man, yes. Your Majesty, come with me. I’ve got to show you something. Don’t worry about your advisor – we won’t be long.

PHARAOH, irritated: Considering you’ll probably throw lightning bolts at me if I’m not careful and I don’t have any of my magicians around, I don’t think I have much of a choice.

RUFUS, pointing at the phone booth: Your Majesty, after you.

(Pharaoh walks into the phone booth. Ted comes in and closes the door)

PHARAOH: What is this thing?

(The booth starts sparking and charging up for a journey. Pharaoh screams as it vanishes into the ground)

***

(The phone booth materializes among the Pyramids of Giza. It’s 1989. Rufus opens the door, and Pharaoh walks out with him)

PHARAOH, confused: This the Valley of the Kings. How did we get over here?

RUFUS: Your Majesty, we have just traveled through time. We are now more than 3000 years in the future – in the year my people knows as 1989. As you can see, your monuments are still intact. Your kingdom has become one of the wonders of the world.

PHARAOH, elated: Great Ra! Thank you! Now where are all the supplicants? Where are all the people coming to Egypt for advice?

RUFUS, waving his little language trainer at Pharaoh: I’ll be back in a moment – I need to take care of your advisor. Take a look around, Your Majesty, and realize that you have nothing to be ashamed of. None of the other civilizations from your era left monuments like these.

(He walks back into the phone booth and disappears. Pharaoh looks at where the phone booth ad stood, confused. Eventually, like any intelligent man, he comes to his senses and starts thinking about what has transpired. Meanwhile, a family of tourists wearing shorts walks onstage)

TOURIST DAD, reading from the tour guide: This is the Valley of the Kings. Lots of Pharaohs were buried here.

TOURIST KID, twiddling his thumbs: I’m bored...

TOURIST MOM: Hey, Steve! Look! There’s someone dressed like the Pharaoh! Do you want to have your picture taken with him?

TOURIST KID: Sure!

(The kid runs up to Pharaoh)

TOURIST KID: Hey, mister! Can you be in a picture with me?

PHARAOH: Sure, young man. Why not? It’s not often that you’ll ever get to meet the Pharaoh in person. Incidentally, my correct title is "Your Majesty". I’d be honored if someone drew a sketch of me with you. At the very least, it will help improve my standing among the people.

TOURIST MOM: See? He’s trained himself very well to act the part. It’s not easy. I used to be an apothecary at Colonial Williamsburg when I was younger.

TOURIST DAD: Stacey, get in the picture with Steve!

(Tourist Mom, an attractive woman in her mid-thirties, walks over to Pharaoh and puts her arm around him)

PHARAOH, grinning: Madame, I’ll have you in my harem anytime!

(Tourist Dad laughs)

TOURIST DAD, bringing up the camera: All right, everybody! Everybody say cheese!

PHARAOH, puzzled: Good man, what is that box you are holding? And why do you want me to say cheese?

TOURIST MOM AND TOURIST KID: CHEESE!

(Tourist Dad takes the picture, the tourists laugh, and they leave as another tourist family appears)

PHARAOH: That was odd...

TOURIST FAMILY #2'S KID: Hey! Dad! It’s someone dressed like the Pharaoh! Can I have a picture with him?

TOURIST FAMILY #2'S DAD: Sure, Mike!

(The new family heads over to get into position with Pharaoh as a line of families wanting photo ops quickly forms. Pharaoh is going to be one busy man)

***

(Rufus returns in the phone booth after caring for Counselor #2. He sees Pharaoh besieged by tourists with a frazzled expression on his face. The line extends past the pyramids)

RUFUS, shaking his head: Damn, I was hoping this would cheer him up. Some guys just never seem to catch a break...

-------
ACG